Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Inside you there are two wolves
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud