Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.