I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”