
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-