I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
![]()
You Might Also Like
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
![]()
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.