teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge