throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.