[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said