the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
#titanic
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics