me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I love it all
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.