There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack