I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
This headline is a thing of beauty