The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My dating profile:
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –