RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.