Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.