I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Well, shit
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,