[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English