[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….