If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.