If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.