Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
barbara was highly relatable
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”