Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?