@TheIronSherk

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

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@reczit

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

@KyleMcDowell86

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

@TheCiscoKidder

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@ScrewedTik

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

@lucifermrningst

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

@ceejoyner

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

@envydatropic

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

@Where__wolf

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.