When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
#Caturday
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.