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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.