#Caturday
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When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.