#Caturday
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My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.