“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.