[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You Might Also Like
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
me as a parent
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
This made me chuckle cuz mood
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.