if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: