The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
me when I see my crush