OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Acronyms got me like WTF?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.