If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
What a chick magnet..
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Ummm
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting