My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.