first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
X-tra spooky blend
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit