first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
This did not end as expected.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said