Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
this is how life feels
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way