Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
cat vs inanimate object
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?