My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
A drum solo but on your face.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.