I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
You Might Also Like
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Oh thanks BBC.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
23. the denim jacket
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.