My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
so much to do
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”