Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
brian had himself a morning…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The French word for sex is croissant.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Merica.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.