When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
the dark web is just a goth google.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Dune (2021)
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.