@sarahschauer *first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
@PRESTONinCOLOR When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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@sarahschauer 
@3sunzzz 5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
@seamusmckracken Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
@LittleHarmonica I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
@shesananteater One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
@moutheaters Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
@nPhelendriqal Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
@ch000ch call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
@DickScurvy Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.