When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
![]()
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’