Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Your honor these allegations are

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!