When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

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*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body


5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.


I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.


Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.


Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die


Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..


call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.


Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.