When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
this post was so formative to me
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.