[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.