My boss called in sick of me
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’