My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.