*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.