[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.