Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
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Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.