Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You Might Also Like
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck