Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom