Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.