ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
You Might Also Like
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!