Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The Backseat Boys
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles