I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Nice try Hitler
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives