Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.